Letting Go (Redux)

Letting Go (Redux)

Taking time out to smell the roses, literally, in a beautiful Brighton florists last week. Mixing work with a day by the sea :)

Repetition is important.

My restorative yoga training at the beginning of March had a big impact on me, partly because it came at a point when I was giving myself a really hard time. One of the things I remember Judith talking about is how repetition is important when teaching. I am paraphrasing Judith here, but she was explaining that for years you can say, “Left toes out, right toes in,” to the same students every week, and after a couple of years the student goes, “Ah. I get it: left toes out, right toes in”. Or, a celebrity yogi comes to town and the student does their workshop and comes back to your class saying, “I went to this workshop! They said, ‘left toes out, right toes in’ – it’s amazing! Have you tried it?”

I found this good to hear as I have worried at times, particularly as a newer teacher, that I was sounding like a broken record with my instruction.

I think repetition is important a wider sense too. Sometimes, we can all benefit from reminders.

As you may have noticed, the posts have been less frequent recently. Basically since I started teaching.

Over the past month, I’ve been trying (though not always succeeding) to slow down. My ‘to do’ list hasn’t shrunk, but I have spent the past month working on shifting my attitude towards it. In huge part this is to do with adapting to being self-employed and fear over money. (I am sure I’m not alone on this one!)

I am loving teaching yoga, but the reality is that financially I am not yet teaching enough to cover my outgoings. So, as I type I currently have two other jobs, with possibly a third in a few days time. That said, even if I was teaching ten or more classes a week I would still be at risk of burnout, yet maybe still need to take on other work. Not an uncommon scenario for yoga teachers out there from my understanding. It’s really not that I expect to earn a fortune, but yogis have bills too.

Since the beginning of the year I have been ill more times in three months than I was in the past twelve. On one of those occasions, I was in bed with a virus when I should have been running a half marathon I’d trained for. Just two days before I was in Denial City, convinced I would run, in spite of physical signs showing otherwise. Sounding like Yoda on account of my voice fading:

Me: I think I’m still gonna run.
Stewie: Let go of attachment, Hinesy.

My lovely fellow YTT grad and yoga teacher, Stewie was half-joking but he was right. I had been clinging to my expectation that I would do that half marathon no matter what. Running is something I enjoy but on reflection I realised that the training had become a chore as the half-marathon developed into another thing I ‘had to’ do.

I’d been doing a lot of clinging since the beginning of the year. Over the last half of 2011 I allowed myself to focus on YTT and trying to get my life in order after redundancy from my old job. Then as soon as I completed YTT and got my insurance at Christmas my mindset shifted to, ‘Right you’ve got no excuse now – time to get your arse into gear!”

I recognised the signs:

– Working ridiculously long hours
– My own yoga practice dwindling
– Eating erratically and poorly
– Clutter starting to build up around me
– Lots of worst case scenario thinking
– Feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and anxious
– Losing my sense of humour* (and therefore, PERSPECTIVE !) – not cool!

This seems to happen with each life shift, yet, I had forgotten. Thanks to letting fear run riot, I had forgotten (again).

Time to let go of the clinging.

– Of clinging to ‘perfect’ outcomes.
– Of clinging to the idea of being able to ‘do it all’ on my own. (Ask for help when I need it and accept help when it is offered)
– Of clinging to the expectation that I should feel happy all the time
– Of clinging to what I assume other people expect me to be, or act or look like as a yoga teacher. (And we know how dangerous assumptions can be, don’t we people?)

Basically, letting go of clinging, overall, to my expectations and other people’s expectations of me.

For instance, I have been teaching just for three months, yet I had an expectation of myself that I should be teaching at least 10 classes a week to be seen as a ‘real’ teacher. (Where I got that from I don’t know?! Because it certainly wasn’t imposed on me by anyone else.) If that’s you straight of YTT then that’s great – that’s where you’re meant to be. I realise that this is where I am meant to be right now, not just with teaching but in my life in general.

Working on shifting my mindset hasn’t left me with less to do, but it has radically altered my view on how I approach things. Consequently, I’ve felt better too, accepting that some days I am going to feel more productive than others. Yes, I am busy but now I try to make a point of taking some time out to be still each day. That might mean twenty minutes or it might mean five. Either way, I’ll take it.

As for running, I’m allowing myself to enjoy it again without any expectations of when I’ll do a half marathon. As for young Stewie, he did run that half marathon and this month is running the London Marathon for the fantastic charity Sports Aid. If you’re reading this and would like to support Sports Aid’s work, helping the next generation of Britain’s sporting heroes and heroines please do visit Stewie’s fundraising page. To quote his words:

“Every little donation helps.. I know lots of you are living on the breadline like myself so I feel your pain – just know that I will also be in lots of pain at around 21 miles when my legs are asking me what the hell is wrong with me – stop running you idiot…”

:D

Yes, there are those day-to-day stresses and the juggling of roles – being self-employed is balancing act, but it’s all surmountable. Putting things in perspective is so important. Lots of fantastic, serendipitous things have been happening and lots of wonderful opportunities have been unfolding. I am incredibly grateful and safe in the knowledge that things really are exactly as they are meant to be.

Whatever happens, it’s ok.

*The ‘losing sense of humour’ bit always happens when I don’t get on the mat enough. Thankfully, I’ve found it again. It was hiding down the back of the sofa ;)

About humbleyogini

I am not an expert – just a humble yogini with so much still to learn. This thing called ‘Yoga’ has unexpectedly crept into my psyche. I want to write about this yoga journey I have embarked upon and see where it takes me. If you are reading this maybe some of this will chime with you. You can also find me on Twitter @HumbleYogini75. Namaste.

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