That it would bring up ‘stuff’ when I least expect it…
I had been fine all day. Chirpy, even. The news hadn’t come as a surprise and it felt like such a relief that it was finally out in the open….
Buoyant, I bounce along in the early evening sunshine as I head to my regular class at my yoga home. I think about the events of the day and the exciting possibilities ahead.
Happily on the mat in class, all is good. And I feel strong. Centred. Then, after the first set of balancing something happens. I feel very dizzy. I come into child’s pose before I fall over. Resting there for a few breaths I think I must just be having a bad day with the heat. I try to join back in with the class but almost instantly I feel overwhelmed, then nauseous, then… very emotional. I never have the urge to leave the room during a class, but in that moment it’s all I want to do. A mental battle ensues… I stay.
In half-pigeon with my forehead on the mat tears race to my eyes. I fight them back. Where have these tears come from…?! We reach tree posture and I can’t even raise my foot to my ankle, never mind my calf or inner thigh. Once more, I feel as though I am going to topple over, so I take child’s pose again, if only to avoid falling sideways and ‘taking out’ my poor unsuspecting neighbour. It’s almost as though some invisible force is pushing me over every time I try to get up. I don’t understand why I feel like this…
My teacher looks concerned, asks if I am alright and very kindly offers me some coconut water. I tell her I am fine. Just a bit dizzy. I think.
Then, during the first Savasana of the class I am swamped by a strange mix of emotions. Once more tears race to my eyes and this time I can’t stop them. Again, I want to run out of the room but instead I lie there and try to focus on my breath as best I can. My mind is racing… I seem to make it through the rest of the class but it’s all a bit hazy.
After class I speak to my teacher who asks again if I am okay. I start explaining that I felt really dizzy, then overwhelmed and then… I start sobbing uncontrollably. Right there. In the changing rooms. In front of my teacher, I go into the ‘Ugly Cry’ (as Oprah calls it). I am mortified and confused and unable to speak. We go to the loos and when I get my breath back all I can do is apologise to my teacher for bursting into tears. Through the sobs I eventually manage to explain I’ve had a bit of a weird day and that I was told that morning I am being made redundant. But I don’t understand why I am crying – I’d already known it was coming, reconciled it in my head and ultimately know this is one of the best things that could happen for me right now.
I am stunned because this has never happened to me in a yoga class before. My teacher is very kind and reassures me that this is more common than I might think. Emotions are a funny thing. I’d had no idea that this ‘stuff’ was there. I realise it was good to come and practice that day – what’s happened has helped me release some of the tension that’s been building up inside over the past several months. And with some significant changes on the horizon – some exciting, some scary – I sense that practicing will help me in the coming months too. It makes me feel even more grateful for the gift of yoga in my life.