Apr16

Peace and Good Chocolate in Sussex

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Peace and Good Chocolate in Sussex

Tasty Team Effort - Vegetarian Sushi made by our fair hands :)

You can tell the food is good when the dinner table falls silent.

The meal is asparagus and pea risotto expertly whipped up by chef, Lucie. The dinner table is in the dining room at the beautifully cosy and charming Marsh Farm House near Arundel, West Sussex.

It’s not my usual Friday evening. I am on Sally Parkes’ yoga and vegetarian cookery weekend retreat. Just moments ago the table was buzzing with chatter and then…. the food arrived!

I love yoga and I love food, so what better than to combine the two? I’ve been lacking inspiration in my own cooking and with certain food sensitivities revealing themselves last year, working out how and what to eat has at times been a challenge. When I heard about this retreat it sounded like a perfect opportunity to come away with some new recipes (and eat some very tasty food, of course!).

Added to this, being on a tight budget, getting away on a yoga retreat seemed like a pipe dream, but the added beauty of this was it being a pocket friendly weekend away in pretty surroundings – great for those of us who want a retreat experience but aren’t able to jet off to far flung places.

As we tucked into our risotto, the itinerary for the weekend was explained. There would be yoga early (but not too early!) on Saturday morning, before breakfast. Then after some free time we’d have our first cookery workshop where we would make our lunch and later on, help to make the dessert to accompany our dinner.
All the recipes in our workshops would be vegetarian, as with all the meals at Marsh Farm over the weekend. Lucie said she could also offer alternatives, taking into account any additional dietary requirements (vegan, wheat/gluten free etc.) – perfect! It all sounded good, but one pressing question remained – could we get the recipe for that risotto?

Saturday Afternoon Sushi
I awoke feeling incredibly rested on Saturday morning and noticed something different.

Birdsong.

Actual ‘not being drowned out by city traffic ‘ birdsong. I hopped out of bed to check out the view of Marsh Farm’s garden from the window and in the field beyond I spotted a… horse! Getting this excited by ‘nature’ showed me just how overdue this break away from the city was. Just as well I was in the ideal place for some rest and renewal.

During a hearty breakfast from the range of options on offer (I went for the gluten free bircher muesli), I soon realised that the catchphrase among us for the weekend would be, “Can we get the recipe for this as well?”
With a bit of a wander around the garden I could appreciate, up-close, the all the spring blooms out in force and the Alice in Wonderland-style hedge, which made me smile.

Taking advantage of the gorgeous weather, we brought our ingredients out to the big garden table where Lucie taught us how to make vegetarian sushi – much easier than I expected and a lot of fun. Now we knew how to make California rolls with the best of ‘em. We rewarded ourselves by eating said sushi out in the sun.

Our free time after lunch allowed for exploring the ‘secret garden’ I had failed to spot earlier around the back of the farm house, while some of the group took a walk to the village. I opted curl up with a book – something I rarely allow myself time to do at home. So, I sat in the garden with my horsey friend from earlier over the fence for company.

Our afternoon cookery workshop was making chocolate orange and avocado tarts – every bit as delicious as they sounded! And vegan too.

Sally’s mellow yoga class before dinner was the perfect way to round off the afternoon. Sally’s classes welcome beginners and cater for all abilities so it was lovely to see the range of ages and yoga experience among our group from regular practitioners to those whose first ever yoga class was that weekend.

Some yoga nidra from Sally put us all in a sufficiently chilled state for the evening and our delicious meal of shepherd-less pie with wilted greens.

Oh. And chocolate orange and avocado tarts.

Happy taste buds all round.

Sunday Spelt Scones
Sunday morning brought more gorgeous Sussex sunshine, so after breakfast I stepped out into the garden, feeling the dew underfoot and taking the opportunity to soak up the stillness. A real reminder of how little I (like many of us) allow myself to pause during my day-to-day hustle bustle. Another bonus of this retreat: having some time and space to reflect.

Our last cookery workshop: surprisingly quick and easy to make spelt, sundried tomato and spinach scones. They accompanied our roasted tomato and lentil soup, roasted vegetable salad and carrot and sultana salad for lunch.
After we were all packed up and ready to go there was a surprise. Some of the chocolate orange and avocado tart filling was left over! A few spoons came out to help rectify that situation. Chocolate is a terrible thing to waste, after all…

Before we said our goodbyes, a learned member of our group of yogis translated the Latin phrase above the door in the dining room: “Divine help remains with us always”. I often feel in need of divine help in the kitchen! But Lucie’s explanations and demonstrations throughout the weekend made all the recipes so accessible. And with store-cupboard advice and even tips on knife skills too, I came away feeling that I could recreate all the recipes with confidence.

I’d arrived frazzled on Friday but returned home feeling frazzled no more, armed with some inspiring recipes and memories of delicious food, laughter, great company and of course, lovely yoga.

Apr6

Letting Go (Redux)

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Letting Go (Redux)

Taking time out to smell the roses, literally, in a beautiful Brighton florists last week. Mixing work with a day by the sea :)

Repetition is important.

My restorative yoga training at the beginning of March had a big impact on me, partly because it came at a point when I was giving myself a really hard time. One of the things I remember Judith talking about is how repetition is important when teaching. I am paraphrasing Judith here, but she was explaining that for years you can say, “Left toes out, right toes in,” to the same students every week, and after a couple of years the student goes, “Ah. I get it: left toes out, right toes in”. Or, a celebrity yogi comes to town and the student does their workshop and comes back to your class saying, “I went to this workshop! They said, ‘left toes out, right toes in’ – it’s amazing! Have you tried it?”

I found this good to hear as I have worried at times, particularly as a newer teacher, that I was sounding like a broken record with my instruction.

I think repetition is important a wider sense too. Sometimes, we can all benefit from reminders.

As you may have noticed, the posts have been less frequent recently. Basically since I started teaching.

Over the past month, I’ve been trying (though not always succeeding) to slow down. My ‘to do’ list hasn’t shrunk, but I have spent the past month working on shifting my attitude towards it. In huge part this is to do with adapting to being self-employed and fear over money. (I am sure I’m not alone on this one!)

I am loving teaching yoga, but the reality is that financially I am not yet teaching enough to cover my outgoings. So, as I type I currently have two other jobs, with possibly a third in a few days time. That said, even if I was teaching ten or more classes a week I would still be at risk of burnout, yet maybe still need to take on other work. Not an uncommon scenario for yoga teachers out there from my understanding. It’s really not that I expect to earn a fortune, but yogis have bills too.

Since the beginning of the year I have been ill more times in three months than I was in the past twelve. On one of those occasions, I was in bed with a virus when I should have been running a half marathon I’d trained for. Just two days before I was in Denial City, convinced I would run, in spite of physical signs showing otherwise. Sounding like Yoda on account of my voice fading:

Me: I think I’m still gonna run.
Stewie: Let go of attachment, Hinesy.

My lovely fellow YTT grad and yoga teacher, Stewie was half-joking but he was right. I had been clinging to my expectation that I would do that half marathon no matter what. Running is something I enjoy but on reflection I realised that the training had become a chore as the half-marathon developed into another thing I ‘had to’ do.

I’d been doing a lot of clinging since the beginning of the year. Over the last half of 2011 I allowed myself to focus on YTT and trying to get my life in order after redundancy from my old job. Then as soon as I completed YTT and got my insurance at Christmas my mindset shifted to, ‘Right you’ve got no excuse now – time to get your arse into gear!”

I recognised the signs:

- Working ridiculously long hours
- My own yoga practice dwindling
- Eating erratically and poorly
- Clutter starting to build up around me
- Lots of worst case scenario thinking
- Feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and anxious
- Losing my sense of humour* (and therefore, PERSPECTIVE !) – not cool!

This seems to happen with each life shift, yet, I had forgotten. Thanks to letting fear run riot, I had forgotten (again).

Time to let go of the clinging.

- Of clinging to ‘perfect’ outcomes.
- Of clinging to the idea of being able to ‘do it all’ on my own. (Ask for help when I need it and accept help when it is offered)
- Of clinging to the expectation that I should feel happy all the time
- Of clinging to what I assume other people expect me to be, or act or look like as a yoga teacher. (And we know how dangerous assumptions can be, don’t we people?)

Basically, letting go of clinging, overall, to my expectations and other people’s expectations of me.

For instance, I have been teaching just for three months, yet I had an expectation of myself that I should be teaching at least 10 classes a week to be seen as a ‘real’ teacher. (Where I got that from I don’t know?! Because it certainly wasn’t imposed on me by anyone else.) If that’s you straight of YTT then that’s great – that’s where you’re meant to be. I realise that this is where I am meant to be right now, not just with teaching but in my life in general.

Working on shifting my mindset hasn’t left me with less to do, but it has radically altered my view on how I approach things. Consequently, I’ve felt better too, accepting that some days I am going to feel more productive than others. Yes, I am busy but now I try to make a point of taking some time out to be still each day. That might mean twenty minutes or it might mean five. Either way, I’ll take it.

As for running, I’m allowing myself to enjoy it again without any expectations of when I’ll do a half marathon. As for young Stewie, he did run that half marathon and this month is running the London Marathon for the fantastic charity Sports Aid. If you’re reading this and would like to support Sports Aid’s work, helping the next generation of Britain’s sporting heroes and heroines please do visit Stewie’s fundraising page. To quote his words:

“Every little donation helps.. I know lots of you are living on the breadline like myself so I feel your pain – just know that I will also be in lots of pain at around 21 miles when my legs are asking me what the hell is wrong with me – stop running you idiot…”

:D

Yes, there are those day-to-day stresses and the juggling of roles – being self-employed is balancing act, but it’s all surmountable. Putting things in perspective is so important. Lots of fantastic, serendipitous things have been happening and lots of wonderful opportunities have been unfolding. I am incredibly grateful and safe in the knowledge that things really are exactly as they are meant to be.

Whatever happens, it’s ok.

*The ‘losing sense of humour’ bit always happens when I don’t get on the mat enough. Thankfully, I’ve found it again. It was hiding down the back of the sofa ;)

Mar3

The Necessity of Stillness

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The Necessity of Stillness

What if we took as much care with our rest as we did with say, our diet?

I’ve just completed day 1 (of 5) of the Relax and Renew restorative yoga training intensive with Judith Hanson Lasater in London. This question came up near the beginning of the day.

Often, as yogis we may put special effort into taking time over whether we are eating organically. Or gluten slash wheat slash dairy free. Or thinking about what foods to eat to give us more energy – will this or that new product do that for us?

But if what if we just rested instead?

Often we are our own worst enemies as we don’t give ourselves permission to be still. We don’t have time. We are so busy. We see taking that time out as being lazy.

We talked today about how a great deal of what is beneficial about this form of yoga is that people are still. In what other place in our lives are we truly given permission to be still?

It’s true that at times restorative yoga is seen as not ‘real yoga’, (because it looks as though you are not ‘doing’ very much) or as being for people who are new to yoga. But really it’s for everyone. After all, who isn’t stressed? (And therefore, in need of physiological relaxation.)

If you’re tired it’s hard to be compassionate towards the people around us, let alone towards ourselves. Hands up who gets tetchy or lacks the ability to focus and be present when they are tired?

As was discussed today, if your life is frantic, your practice will have that vibration. And as a teacher, if you are caught up in a frantic state then that veneer of ‘frantic’ can come across in your teaching.

That hit a nerve.

I know as a student that I have often enough picked up on that kind of frantic energy from the teacher leading a class. My life is pretty frantic at the moment and I am doing some re-assessing as a result, so this topic today really resonated with me.

I know I don’t get enough rest. I know I am stressed. I know I am sleep deprived. Who’s with me? Probably almost anyone who is breathing!

So what if we started to see rest as the necessity that it is instead of a luxury, or as being lazy? Yes, it will take practise (for some of us, a lot of practise). But we can make a start. And we can try to remember to be kind to ourselves along the way.

I am so grateful to be doing this course at this particular time, deepening my knowledge of a form of yoga that I know has and continues to benefit me. I feel especially excited at the prospect of being able to share what I am learning with others. What a privilege.

I Love yoga! And I am loving that the learning never stops.

Mar1

Happily Unrealistic

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Happily Unrealistic

“Life is a series of leaps”
– Suzy Greaves*

I had genuinely forgotten it was a leap year until I heard a conversation about it on the radio. Usually, when a leap year comes around I’m thinking I can’t believe how time has flown by. For the first time in a long while I feel surprised by how much has changed. (Thankfully, for the better – not that those changes always felt as though they were for the better at the time).

If you had told me on Feb 29th four years ago that I would basically be working for myself I am not sure I would have bought it. I had a ‘safe’ job with a regular salary for a long time. And as appealing as the idea of working for myself seemed, it felt like too big a leap to make. Not realistic. Waaay too scary. How would I pay the mortgage?! But then I thought back and remembered when I had wondered if writing was too big a leap, yet there I was being paid to write. And before that when I wondered if working in TV was too big a leap, yet there I was working in TV. And before that when I wondered if getting into a college that lots of talented people wanted to get into was too big a leap, yet… you get the idea. And then I remembered I have never truly believed in being realistic. I think it’s because as I was growing up, each time I expressed a dream I had, I would be told by someone (usually a grown-up) that I wasn’t being realistic because I was “too quiet” or “too nice” or “too working-class” or even “too black”. There tended to be a pattern – my internal response would basically be:

Okay.

But that’s what I’m doing anyway.

We are all capable of achieving those things we’d like to. I think it’s just that sometimes we can forget. Life can temporarily grind us down, or we get stuck in a rut… and we forget. That’s not to say it’s never scary to take those steps and make those leaps. Yet, speaking from my own experience, each time I have summoned up the courage and gone with what I believe it has always been where I have learned my biggest lessons, received the most unexpected rewards and surprised myself. (And, as it happens, those folks who told me I wasn’t being realistic.) Right now, I still have days with the odd wave of “How will I pay the mortgage?” panic as my mind races ahead to where I might be this time next year, rather than focusing on the present. But despite that, I would not change things. I would not wish to go back to that ‘safe’ scenario.

I would rather carry on leaping.

Happy Leap Year to You! :D

*Thanks to Suzy for reminding me of what I had forgotten. Glad to see that you are still leaping too! :D

Feb3

Saturday Afternoon Seva

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Saturday Afternoon Seva

January was a bit of a whirlwind month! One of the things that has kept me going amidst all the hustle bustle is restorative yoga – perfect for this yin time of year.

Last Saturday I was fortunate enough to teach a restorative class, the first of three to raise some funds for non-profit organization Yogabear.

I am prepping for my Relax & Renew restorative yoga intensive with Judith Hanson Lasater in March, so I had planned to do these classes to help me get ready for the course. Though somehow the idea of charging for these classes did not feel right.

When the inspirational Bee Bosnak of Beeyond Yoga put out a call for other teachers who might like to join her in teaching donation-based classes for Yogabear it sounded perfect! Yogabear is a non-profit organisation that connects cancer patients and survivors with free therapeutic and restorative yoga classes. As soon as I heard about this I decided that all proceeds raised from my classes however big or small should go to this wonderful cause.

A few hours after last week’s class I got a message from one of my friends who came along (and who has been very stressed lately) saying that she felt so much better. I was so happy to hear that. And it was a gentle reminder of why I want to teach. To be able to facilitate that sense of feeling better for someone, in however small a way makes me feel so grateful.

As I type, I am already looking forward to teaching class two of three tomorrow afternoon. Happy Weekend :)

Jan17

New Year, New Column

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New Year, New Column
New Year, New Column

It’s been a bit of a whirlwind start to 2012 so far. In some ways I can’t quite believe we’re only just past halfway through January.  I feel as though I’ve easily crammed at least a month’s worth of work into the last 17 days!

One of my new writing experiences for 2012 is being a columnist for OM Yoga & Lifestyle Magazine.

I will still be charting my experiences here on the blog. But now once a month I will also be writing about the realities of getting started with teaching and finding my way, post YTT, in a new column following the first year of a new teacher.

Among the feelings of excitement at reaching the milestone of graduating from YTT were all sorts of questions about what to do next.  For instance, is it a good idea to set up your own class or just look for work at studios or gyms when starting out?  Is it normal to still feel nervous before teaching a class?  Various queries about the business aspects of being a teacher, and so much more.  As I talked to other teachers, new and experienced I realised that I was not alone – that these questions and feelings when one is just beginning are completely normal.  With this in mind, I pitched this idea to Martin, the editor and he said yes!

So, if you would like to follow my progress via the column, you can find the first one on p. 114 of the Jan/Feb issue out now.

Jan13

Straight to the Core

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Straight to the Core

Ever since confirmation of my spondy, in seeking advice on how I might work on addressing this, one word (even from some fellow yoga teachers) has repeatedly come up.

Pilates.

I’d wanted to do some more Pilates since Tilton House but never got round to it. Now I’m in a situation where I know that strengthening my core (in particular the TA muscles) will help to support my lumbar spine.

I turned to one of my yoga teachers, Sally who is also a very experienced and knowledgeable Pilates teacher. It was at Sally’s retreat at in the summer last year where my interest in Pilates was re-ignighted.  I took classes for a while several years ago and always felt that yoga and Pilates complemented each other.  But as ever, life got busy, work to took over and Pilates (and yoga, for a while) fell by the wayside.

I was so grateful when Sally kindly said she would guide me through some Pilates moves I can do at home.  Not least because I know she is a great teacher, but also because I know she is patient and kind.  (I remember an experience of a Pilates teacher barking at me like a drill sergeant in a scenario which apparently wasn’t a bootcamp style class.  That didn’t really work for me…).  In my first session with Sally it took me some time to get re-acquainted with Pilates breathing on some of the exercises, which does differ from how we breathe in yoga.  I really appreciated Sally’s patience then!

I am also seeing a wonderful yoga therapist who after my initial assessment explained that, in yoga terms, my prana was being depleted down the front side of my body between my ribs and my pelvis.  Aside from working with my yoga therapist on correcting my posture from my feet upwards (as even the way I naturally stand has been putting additional pressure on my lumbar), there is a significant focus on the front body being able to support the back body, thereby allowing the back body to rest.  So, she mentioned working on the TA muscles (and Mula Bandha) in my very first yoga therapy session too.

I’m finding that combining my yoga therapy exercises along with the Pilates exercises Sally is showing me are really complementing each other. It does take dedication to practice regularly but just a few weeks in I am already noticing a positive difference in how my body, and mind, feel.

Sally is kindly going to monitor my progress over the next few weeks or so, gradually building on the exercises where appropriate, so I’ll be charting my progress here on the blog too.

As I work on my own physical therapy I am looking forward to seeing what I learn along the way and consequently being able to share some of this experience while I grow as a teacher too.

I’m feeling good about 2012.

Dec30

How a Panda and a Tortoise helped me to put things in perspective

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How a Panda and a Tortoise helped me to put things in perspective
Not Master Oogway, but a v old tortoise I met in Morocco :)

Not Master Oogway, but a v old tortoise I met in Morocco

 

December has been quite a contemplative month.  Despite it being a very yin time, it’s felt very eventful internally.  Mixed emotions. Darkness and light.  Among a number of things, during December:

-   I got my official teaching certificates, registered with Yoga Alliance and got insured

-   I got confirmation of my spondy and scoliosis

Both are interlinked and, for me, both take a bit of processing, for differing reasons. Consequently, the 25 Day Yogathon has been the backbone (no pun intended) running through the month, helping me to do just that.  I’ll admit I struggled with the refined sugar thing, especially in the run-up to Christmas week, but the biggest revelation for me was meditation – something I always found difficult before.  I’ve continued beyond the 25 days – currently I’m spending 20 minutes a day in seated meditation.

My 25 Day Yogathon was completed on Christmas Day, which I spent with my family. After breakfast, having been banished from the kitchen I noticed that Kung Fu Panda was on TV.  (For anyone who doesn’t know, it’s the sweet tale of a panda called Po who becomes an unlikely kung fu hero after being chosen as the Dragon Warrior.) I’d never seen the movie before and seeing as I am at heart a kid masquerading in the body of a 30something year old woman, I decided to check it out.  As I watched, I related to Po – a square peg that doesn’t look like it will fit the round hole of their dream.  I’m not suggesting I resemble a cute, furry giant Panda maybe aside from carrying a little more junk in the trunk post-Christmas. Though like Po, I know what it’s like to be seen as the underdog, and who hasn’t ever eaten when they’ve been upset?  (Never? Are your pants a little bit on fire…?  Ok, I’ll take your word for it, but I know Po and I aren’t the only ones who’ve been passengers on the emotional eating bus at some stage.) But I digress…

There’s a bit (well, more than one bit) in the film where the Oogway, the wise old tortoise kung fu master says in response to protests that Po cannot possibly be the Dragon Warrior:

“There are no accidents”.

I attended a Winter Solstice ceremony just a few days before Christmas where there was much reflection on the past year, acknowledgement of what had passed, gratitude expressed and the setting of intentions for the next twelve months.  That combined with my experience on the Yogathon, reminded me of all the things over the past year which have brought me to this point.  This time last year I was in a very different place.  It’s been one of the most transformational years of my life so far.

Maybe there are no accidents…

Via a bit of serendipity, I started having sessions with a brilliant yoga therapist this month. After my initial assessment, I quickly realised that this is going to take more work and time than I’d initially thought.  I admit, in that moment I felt a bit ‘woe is me’.  I wanted to curse the timing of it all (WHY did this have to happen right after teacher training?!) and wondered if I could really do this.

My yoga therapist must have seen how dejected I looked and said, “I think that sometimes, these things are sent.  I’ve been doing this for a long time and you know – the wounded ones are always the best teachers”.

The kind of teacher I will grow into remains to be seen, but I really appreciated hearing something like that, especially from such an experienced teacher and teacher trainer.  I am just beginning but I know that already this situation has hugely impacted how I feel about teaching.  I didn’t embark on this route to look or sound cool when people ask me what I do, or to present the image of a ‘perfect’ yogi. Instead, it is a huge step in terms of being truthful about what’s important to me. And it’s made that desire to be a good teacher even stronger.

So that, contrary to my initial response, makes me feel that the timing is probably ideal.

While I am not big on new year’s resolutions, I did set one intention for next year at the Winter Solstice ceremony. Sharing it with everyone at the ceremony felt far more profound than I’d imagined it would be, so it somehow doesn’t feel right to announce it here.  But I (and about a dozen other people) know.  And that feels right.

As I move into 2012, I travel not just with a little more junk in the trunk (which I am not knocking by the way – it makes me more huggable after all ;) ), but with a little more faith and courage too.  If I can be anywhere near as courageous as Po the Panda then I’ll be getting somewhere :) .

Whatever your intentions for 2012, I wish you a Wonderful year ahead.

Dec8

Self Care 101

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Self Care 101

While talking about food (usually one of my favourite subjects) at work the other day it became apparent just how far my eating habits had slipped when my colleague suggested I might want to have something other than cereal for dinner. And just the day before it was only when one of my teachers mentioned food in passing that it struck me, the last time I’d eaten had been about 17 hours before.  I was busy and I just forgot. Bad sign. I resolved that instead of having cereal for dinner (albeit gluten free, multi-grain, organic cereal) it was about time I cooked myself a proper meal and just generally tried to be a bit nicer to myself than I have been of late.

One of the ironic things about throwing so much into YTT assessments last month (plus dealing with other life stuff) is that the old self-care business has taken a back seat.  And related to this I’ve definitely been knocked by the recent changes to my asana practice.  (Since my last post I’ve had confirmation that I do have spondylolisthesis.) Given that currently I’m not able to practice asana in quite the way I normally would, I decided to take this opportunity to work on developing a regular meditation practice throughout December to ease my scattered mind.

But my body feels tired.  (Averaging roughly four hours sleep a night probably isn’t helping much…)

I am trying to listen to my body and it sounds as though it is saying it needs a break. Right now I don’t know if that means a total break from asana practice for a while.  I just know that when I tried that my mood slumped dramatically (that was only after a week!) and I was in no less physical discomfort.  I am increasingly feeling that there is a direct correlation between my stress levels and the degree of physical pain I experience. So, I am still practising, but in a different way, and going for some restorative classes.  I’ve also been doing more practice at home. And the luxury of a 20-minute savasana at my place the other day complete with blankets, cushions and eyebag – full-on Judith Hanson Lasater style-ee – was bliss (and a reminder that it’s been a while since I allowed myself to completely relax).

Hearing about the 25 Day Yogathon via the ever-inspiring Thais (@letitgo8) on twitter at the beginning of December was brilliant timing! A great incentive to stay motivated.  For me, even a few months ago something like the 25 Day Yogathon would have been all about the asana and getting to as many classes as I could, ticking each one off as I went. But right now my asana practice is different, which is forcing me (yes, reluctantly at times) to take a step back and examine things. Sometimes when our focus is on looking out for others we forget about ourselves. The 25 Day Yogathon is a perfect opportunity for me to take a rounded look at how I treat myself and to take better care. One day at a time.

Catch you later – I’m off to meditate :)

Nov26

Can you say ‘Spondylolisthesis’?

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Can you say ‘Spondylolisthesis’?

Well done if you can!  I personally still find it a bit of a tongue twister.

The anatomy geeks out there will know exactly what this is, but for those of you who’ve never heard of this or are a bit rusty on the old anatomy front, to quote fellow yogi, Jennifer Aniston from her classic L’Oreal commercial, “Here’s the science bit”:

“The term spondylolisthesis refers to the anterior slippage of one vertebra on another, most commonly L5 on sacrum or L4 or L5.  This can be caused by a fracture of the ‘pars interarticularis’; often the result of high impact falls as in a skiing accident.  It can also be a congenital defect’” - Chris Swain

Chris is the anatomy guru from my YTT course – an award-winning osteopath and a yoga practitioner and teacher for over 20 years. He even has a name given to him by his teacher who he lived with in a temple (though he told us he never uses it now – probably not so necessary at home in the UK, but that’s by the by).  Basically, Chris knows his stuff.

Anyhow, it looks like spondylolisthesis might be what has been causing my sciatica according the x-rays I saw of my spine in the chiropractor’s consultation room.  In my case it looked like L5 had slipped onto S1, hence the pressure on the sciatic nerve.  I also noticed a nice ‘S’ shaped curve in my spine – right thoracic scoliosis – an unexpected, though not entirely surprising bonus.

“I have a tilted womb – welcome to getting older world! Can I be in your gang?” 

That was one of the first responses I got from a friend after sharing the news. This is why I love my mates.

Pain is a great motivator and it was pain that got me to chiropractor’s office.  In the month or so running up to final YTT assessments backbends had gone from slightly uncomfortable to definitely painful.  (As it happens, extension of the spine – backbending – is contra-indicated for spondylolisthesis, which would explain the pain I was experiencing.) After the best part of three frustrating years of trying to confirm the cause of my sciatica and patching myself up in between, this was the final straw.  Yoga is the only thing that has consistently helped, but now I needed to take some other action.

Maybe because I am in denial or maybe because I am stubborn, I am getting a second opinion.  I want to be absolutely sure about what’s going on so that I can make an informed decision with regard to what to do about treatment.  I’ve just had more x-rays done, at hospital this time, and get those results back with my doctor in about a week’s time.  Though before I went to get changed out of the rather flattering hospital gown after the x-rays were done, the radiographer did comment, “Oh yeah, you can see the scoliosis straight off”.   I suspect she wasn’t meant to say this, as when I asked if she saw anything in the lumbar spine area she got a bit flustered and mumbled something about just seeing the curve of my lower back.

Crap.  Is that a bad sign?  That got me really paranoid about what she did or didn’t see on the x-rays…

I’m having an MRI scan tomorrow which I am really glad about.  It should confirm what’s going’s on – whether it is definitely spondylolisthesis or something else.  But I’ve started to feel a bit anxious about it.  Not about the scan itself though. I’ve started to wonder about the potential outcomes and what that might mean for me teaching-wise.  I know my mind should not be racing ahead and speculating, but this wasn’t quite the situation I had envisaged right after graduation.

My practice has changed over the past weeks – less frequently and certainly no backbends, for now. And no dynamic practices which has been frustrating.  It’s shown me in a big way just how attached I’ve become to my physical practice.  And with other stresses going on in my life, my practice – the thing I would usually count on – is in flux.  And I don’t feel comfortable with that yet.

I went to a class recently where the teacher said that injury can be a gift.  An opportunity to re-focus. That’s how I am trying to see this time.  The learning never stops and, I feel, there are some new lessons for me to learn here.